Neko

Holy skib almost a full 2 months later. My disappearance was not in vain!!! I have indeed made a LOT of progress on Orangest Juice, infact I have the first 5 panels drawn and up on the site (currently inaccesible)! Just thought I'd drop in here and give my totally abundant audience an update on those happenings. Another cool thing is my neocities account is now a supporter acccount! So updating here will be much easier since I don't have to log into a whole seperate account. Hense the URL change also, previously "finnico", now "finnicoredux". That's all I have for now I might make a new video this weekend we'll see.

I am going to take a VERY BRIEF break from updating this website. The reason being I REALLY need to focus on Orangest Juice, which is on a different account. I lowkey might be paying for the supporter thing soon just so I can keep both these websites on one account (also, OJ is gonna need a lot of space for all those pictures). But yeah! Gonna be logged off here until I get Orangest Juice in a state to be ready to post stuff to. I'm almost done with everyone's ref sheets, have written the first issue and am somewhat beginning to sketch it out so we should be getting this show on the road fairly soon. The only roadblock I'm facing is finding the courage to post to the Tumblr...we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Oh and btw I'm feeling MUCH better these days.

Post vent clarity, I ate 3 nerds popsicles in a row and am watching Jshlatt's 3rd QSMP vod so I guess Im fine now

Hey sorry another week with no updates. I genuinely can't get anything done bro I dont know what I'm supposed to do. I think these episodes are getting worse with my being out of my parents house because I can't goo sit upstairs and pretend I have support around me. I have nothing. My parents don't talk to me but I don't exactly make an effort to reach out to them so idk prolly my fault. I can't eat anything anymore nothing tastes like it's supposed to and every time I do need to eat I just have no interest or motivation to do so. I hate going to work and my anxiety with it just gets worse every day, I'm nonstop terrified of being percieved by the people around me. Even talking to my friends is becoming exhausting they obviously realize I'm not talking like I used to and I don't know why I can't atleast force myself to TYPE energetically. IT"S TEXT GENUINELY WHAT IS MY PROBLEM. Every single day I go from somewhat okay to terrified to accepting that nothing is ever going to change and I should just kill myself to somewhat okay once I'm back at home. There's no way out of this unless I ask for help and I'll be damned if I do that. My supervisor was talking about how she bought a house recently and told me "just imagine, if you stay in the business for only about 10 years you'll be able to get one too!" BROTHER I MIGHT NOT COME TO WORK ON MONDAY. Everyone around me is so fucking oblivious and confident that I plan to stick around forever these fucking assholes know damn well I've been saying I don't see myself living very long since I was like 11. Nobody did anything. My life serves nothing but the oppurtunity for the people around me to become better at my expense. I never really was a person my whole personality is just echoes of everyone around me and interests I've picked up as I go. But that's stupid isn't that what everyone is? Personalities are stupid. Where was I going with this. Everyday I tell myself "no I can't kill myself yet I still have to experience mildly fun thing coming soon". I need to stop making plans and stop looking forward to things. But even then it's not like I have any real means of doing anything, not like I have access to anything lethal. Fuck it all man who cares if I die I literally live in limbo already.

EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS SOLVED BECAUSE I HAVE A LAPTOP THAT RUNS WINDOWS YEAAAAAAAAH BABY!!!!! Okay not every problem we all know that but THIS MAKES THINGS SO MUCH BETTER!!!! The screen is so bright and yummy and njiodskcldnaxoajmmmm delicious. I was awoken at like 11am to it being dropped off so I am running on less sleep than normal so that's not really good BUT!!!! LAPTOP! This high probably won't last very long I'll find new issues eventually surely...I'll be sure to keep tabs on it all but for now I AM SATISFIED!!!!

Whoops! My bad! I was kinda in a funk for like a couple weeks and am now back to stability as long as I don't think about it too much...I really don't have much to say, I want to write a blog like every evening after work cuz then the day is fresh in my mind compared to writing in the morning after when I'm all tired and stuff. Plus I'm usually busy catching up with everyone after getting off work and aaaall that...I'LL FIND THE TIME TO WRITE MORE I SWEAR. Truly not a lot going on in my life, just figured I'd write a new blog while I was already adding a new video...go watch that.

Not only is the funeral tomorrow but today I'm going to work by myself because Ten called in sick. Lord have mercy, I should've just put in a personal day I do NOT need to be going to work. Im grieving for christ's sake or something! Mom dropped off the overshirt she had for me to wear with my dress but it ended up being a leather jacket. I thought it was brown at first but its more like a maroon. I tried on my whole ensamble and dude it's like not even that I'm uncomfortable in dresses, though don't get me wrong that does play a major factor. I just straight up don't look right in them. Like my body itself sure it looks decent but then you get to my broad shoulders and boxy face and I just look like an awkward dude wearing a dress. Maybe it's my hair it doesn't really help. And obviously I mean that's the POINT I look like a guy but it doesn't really work when I'm still being forced into femininity. If only Walmart sold slacks. The jacket helps a little I guess. I can hide behind it somewhat.

10 minutes before work, I guess I'm feeling a little better. Yesterday at work was bad because I couldn't move my peanut butter hands fast enough and didn't finish painting a job. Still don't know when the funeral is, but will hopefully find out sometime today. Just gotta get trhough today and tomorrow at the very least. I'll be damned if I go into work Friday. I don't know how good long weekends are for me, I feel like I get worse without something to forcefully occupy me. But then again short weekends are just as bad. I feel anxious now. No need. 5 minutes.

Well, yesterday went wrong in a way I wasn't expecting. First, taxes were fine. No issues there, the lady who did them was really nice and I got a pretty big return that I plan to use to fund my new laptop (will either get it when I get the money or sooner so then I can get the money and feel like I didn't lose any in the first place). Now for the bad news. We were eating at pizza hut when Ten got a call from our parents telling us our great grandma died. Don't feel like I need to elaborate there, pretty bad news if you think about it. Gonna go clothes shopping today since I don't really have any suitable clothes for a funeral. Gonna have to take a day off but I don't know when. I went to sleep at around 10 and woke up at 3am completely out of it for a couple hours. Maybe this was it, that weird feeling I've had for weeks telling me something was about to go wrong. But I can't tell if I still have the feeling or not. I came close to telling someone that I felt dangerously close to it but then it felt too real, and I didn't.

I've kinda been on a continous downward slope lately. I was SO excited for my longish weekend but idk. The build up is always better than the reward. Or maybe it's the fact I have to file taxes tmrw, maybe that's it. I will have to do this every year for the rest of my life. It's not like a job where I can pretend one day I'll go off the grid, no if I want any sort of income to DO that, I'll have to pay taxes. If I leave America, I'll still have to do taxes. I will one day be living my last year of life and I will file taxes. I'm lucky I'm going with my parents this time at the very least, dude that wasn't even gonna be the default, they were gonna make me do it by mySELF. It seems a bit unreasonable to kill myself over something so abitrary but like I said, downward slope. Lately the ol plan b has kinda been the only thing that keeps me from losing it. Like hey don't freak out too much you can always just end it all! To think some people go about life NOT constantly thinking such things.

First blog on the new website! I need to make this quick since I'm leaving for work in like literally 15 minutes but yeah! Finally got this to look the way I was wanting, went through various formats but I figured just having it drop down was the easiest way of going about things. The webite is still a big work in progress but I'm slowly chipping away at it every chance I get. I'm very happy with the overall look of things so far, but I think it could benefit from some more graphics/pictures. Fun fact, the header on the main page (and currently this one aswell, I might make it different for each page) is a picture I took myself. 14 or however year old me was onto something. That's all I have for now, excited to do more this weekend :D